When Did Gyms Become Torture Chambers?

Exercise Balls.  What could be more fun than bouncing on a ball that reminds you of the Hippity-Hop you had as a child?  It would be fun, if it did indeed have the handle to help you bounce around the room.  Trainers expect you to contort your body in different directions, using the exercise ball in un-fun ways.  These are supposed to make sit-ups easier and more effective.  

Gliders.  These handy little helpers are designed for sliding, just slip under your feet during planks.  Sounds easy enough, right?  Wrong!  These are the devil’s plates.  Back away slowly and don’t make eye contact.  Try doing a plank with these and your ab muscles’ screams will be heard from 2 miles away.  

Resistance Bands.  Long stretchy bands made to aid your torture along.  Secure around a door knob, and you won’t have to buy free weights.  They’re light enough to take anywhere in the house.  As big a klutz as I am, I can just picture getting caught up in one of these, or one snapping back and hitting me in the face.  

Exercise Videos.  No time to hit the gym?  No worries – just pull up a video and it’s like having a personal trainer in your house.  P90X, CrossFit, Insanity, TurboJam.  All of which will make you feel like you were hit by a bus, which then backed over you just to run you over again.  Traction will start looking good to you. Seriously, how can this guy do that many pushups in a short amount of time?  I think he’s really a very advanced Cyborg, living among us. 

Abdominal Training Belts. Finally! Someone invented something that works out for me, instead of me actually having to exert myself.  Wait, what?  I actually have to watch what I eat and exercise in addition to using the belt?  

Can’t I just hire someone to exercise for me?  Phone it in?  

Written by: Allyson Johns