Should My Kids Have Their Hearing Checked?

May 31, 2015 0 Comments

These little dictators are either geniuses or lazy, I can't quite figure out which.  I'm leaning toward genius, because they know exactly which nerve to play jump-rope with. They strive to irritate you to the point of explosion, and sit back and watch the fireworks.

I need a translator. Even though my kids and I speak the same language, apparently we don’t speak the same language.

What I say: “Let’s go, please, we’re running late.”
What they hear: “We have all the time in the world. Yes, you can watch 6 more shows. And please, definitely take an hour to pick out your clothes. While you’re at it, don’t forget to dump your milk on the table, ask for three more breakfasts, and tell me you have to poop as I’m opening the front door to leave. Oh, and why don’t you go ahead and throw an epic tantrum in there.”What I say: “It’s time to clean up.”
What they hear: “It’s time to play and make an even bigger mess around here. Don’t worry, I’ll clean it all up later when you suddenly develop a sick tummy and a leg that feels like it’s going to fall off. Oh, and why don’t you go ahead and throw an epic tantrum in there.”

What I say: “Please be quiet for 2 minutes while I’m on the phone.”
What they hear: “Please scream at each other in voices that should only be used if you’re being chased by a bear, and use this time to ask me 101 questions about why we have fingernails. Oh, and why don’t you go ahead and throw an epic tantrum in there.”