Why My Son’s First Break Up Suprised Me

Not too long ago (but all too soon!) my son informed me that he was “going out” with his first girlfriend. I freaked! He is 12 and absolutely at the forefront of dabbling in the world of liking girls. But what a shock it was for me! The last I heard, girls were still gross to him. Boy how things change in the blink of an eye. After I literally cried to my husband, and in a moment of panic made the rash decision to send the girl a request on Instagram (which she accepted), I finally pulled myself together. I came to terms with the fact that he is growing up, and this is a normal part of the process.

As excruciating as it was for me I vowed to keep composure and made a conscious decision not make it a big deal. After all, these days, “going out” in 6th grade consists mostly of seeing each other at school, FaceTiming, and posting heart emojis on one another's social media (hence my urgency to keep tabs by following her on Instagram!). I don't want my son to ever have a reason to keep secrets, and I've always done my best to be open with him. I want to assure him that he is always welcome to tell me ANYTHING without judgement.

As the days passed, I would often ask how things were going with the “friend-girl” (as I liked to call her). I encouraged him to be sure he's treating her nicely, and even helped him pick out some chocolates as a Christmas gift for her. He would answer my curiosities with a mumbled, “Fine Mom,” as he slightly caulked his head to one side with a pinch of annoyance. I didn't mind that he was annoyed with me. I wouldn't be doing my job as a Mom if he wasn't slightly irritated with my prying. This went on for about 4 weeks. Until…

One afternoon I asked my routine question about how it was going with his friend-girl. He nonchalantly informed me that they weren't together any more. I can't lie, my heart leaped with joy! But I didn't let my elation show. “What happened?” I asked, “Are you okay?” “Did you break up with her?” He replied that she was the one who broke up with him. Awww…my poor baby! But that wasn't the worst part. What bothered me more was finding out that she broke up with him via text message! He seemed to be just fine with it (I didn't have to mend a first broken heart, thank goodness!). He was maybe even relieved. But I wasn't fine with it. I know that they are young and learning the etiquette of boy-girl relationships, but I was disappointed.

From day one I have been raising my son to be a respectful, kind, and sensitive young man. The “ladies first” concept has been drilled into his brain. He has grown up with two sisters, and knows how to be sensitive to their feelings. No rough housing with girls, and always respect their boundaries. It seems to me that much emphasis is placed on raising good, well mannered GENTLEMEN. But what about the young girls? Shouldn't they be taught the same? I have daughters; Daughters who are being taught that they deserve to be treated like ladies. But they are also being taught that they must ACT like ladies. They must respect themselves and their peers of both genders. Though they are younger than their brother, I know someday they will likely be the heartbreakers. When that time comes (at age 12 or 20) I want them to be just as sensitive and respectful to that person as society expects boys to be. It shouldn't be a double standard.

So please, fellow Mother's of daughters and sons alike, let's instill the virtue of human interaction and simple courtesy. It's undeniable that our children live in a time of amazing technology. If I had the choice back then, I probably would have wanted to break up with a boy without actually having to speak to him too. How easy is that! But the thing is, real life is not so easy. In my opinion, we are doing our children a disservice if we don't make it our responsibility to teach them the rights and wrongs of how to use social media. Let's not allow our kids to forget the power of verbal communication, and in person interactions. These conversations and experiences will help shape who they become, and how they handle themselves in different situations.

For the record, in the moment following the disappointing news that the young lady chose to text my son her farewell, I immediately began to drill him.

Me: “Son, I hope you've learned that you are not quite ready for a girlfriend. BUT, when the time comes and should you find yourself wanting to break up, you better never…”

Son: “Mom, I know…”

Me: “You know what? “

Son: “I know that I should tell her in person.”

*Proud Mom*

To the future Mother's of my son's future “friend-girls,” I assure you, they will not be broken up with via text. Trust me, I am teaching him better.