What Women Without Kids Want Us To Know

I can totally relate to the first thing on the list. I've definitely thought that a time or two.

I had lunch recently with a new friend. In the midst of our “getting to know you” questions, I asked if she had kids. She responded “no.” The moment was uncomfortable. I felt awkward for asking. We moved on to another topic.

This discomfort stayed with me. After years of hanging out with suburban moms, I had moved to the city and was a soon-to-be empty nester. I was meeting many new women and would likely face this scenario again. What was the etiquette around engaging with childless women? Was it ok to talk about my kids? Could I ask about their circumstances? And could I even use the term “childless”?

So I reached out to the handful of women I know who have hit midlife without children and asked for their and their friends' input. I promised anonymity and encouraged bluntness.

Here is what these women told me.

Don't ask me why — or assume you know why
Women don't have children for a myriad of reasons, and they're really none of our business. If and when they choose to talk about their journeys, they will do so, on their own terms. The “Why?” question is particularly insensitive for women who wanted children but, whether for medical or other reasons, could not have them.

Ellen always wanted children but never found the right person to do it with. At 37, she put some serious thought into becoming a single mom but felt she'd need a support network: “I knew I wasn't willing to go through the first two years alone. One married friend and I discussed the possibility of me moving into their building so they would be right there to support me. Another friend and I played with the idea of buying a co-op together and committing to supporting one another through the first few years, regardless of significant others that may come along. I met with my OB/GYN to discuss the medical side and started the testing to determine the viability of my eggs. Ultimately, I decided not to do it. For me, it came down to not wanting to bring a child into the world without the opportunity to have a relationship with their father. I was extremely close with both my parents, but even more so with my father. It just wasn't right for me.”

Christina went to great lengths to try to have biological children on her own, enduring 8 rounds of assisted reproduction, without success. Her advice: “Don't frame any questions around the assumption that I CHOSE not to have kids. I think most people are well meaning and are actually paying me a compliment because they think I should have had kids, that I'd be a good mom. But it makes me want to scream, ‘I was ripped off. I am barren!' I don't want to offend anyone for asking what they perceive to be an innocent, even complimentary, question. But I certainly don't want to explain my fertility history to strangers.”

Barb fell in love with a man who had children from his first marriage and who made it clear he did not want any more. In her forties, she had to make a choice; she committed to her “soul mate,” thereby foregoing kids, and has no regrets.

Carter chose not to have children: “I have never understood why a woman would want to have kids. They are a huge responsibility and would have been too stressful for me — knowing I would have to be ‘on' 24/7. I hold child rearing to a very high standard and I know I personally could not attain that standard. It takes so much to be a good mom and I would want to be a good mom; no, I know I don't have it.”

Lisa did not want children, and is annoyed at the unspoken expectation that she should explain her choice: “I find that almost all the time, when people ask me if I have kids and I say no, the conversation stops. There's a ‘pregnant' pause, so to speak. I feel like people really want to ask why, as if it's really foreign or weird or sad or tragic to not have kids. As if there's something wrong with me. When I find out that someone has kids, I don't follow up with, ‘Why?'”

Haralee also chose not to have children but is in the minority: She does not mind being asked why. Even so, the questions can become intrusive: “If the next question is about regret, I say, ‘How can you regret what you don't have?' If the persistence continues with another question, I usually use the conversation terminator ‘I have evolved through the trait to reproduce.'”

Don't pity me
For some women, the lack of children is a real wound that never completely heals. Still, by midlife, the women I interviewed who had longed for children had come to terms with their situation. And the last thing they want is pity. On the contrary, they want us to know that they live happy and productive lives and that we can talk about our kids with them.

You can read the rest of this list on Huff Post. When you're finished, leave a comment and share your thoughts.