What We Shouldn’t Do When Our Little Ones Are Losing Their Cool

At first, I was skeptical, but The Stir has put together a helpful list of 7 things we shouldn't do when our little ones are losing their cool.

My parenting techniques and beliefs tend to be “off the beaten path” and lean more towards attachment parenting, so I wasn't sure I would agree with this list or find anything useful, but I was wrong. Check out some of the things The Stir says not to do:

1.  Lose your cool. It isn’t always easy, but don’t get pulled into your toddler’s frenzied orbit — instead be the calm in their emotional storm. By being reassuring and calm, your toddler will be able to gather themselves more quickly and settle down again. “They need us to stay close, listen, and not lecture or yell at them,” explains Klein. “It's the adult caregivers who help them move out of the heightened arousal and eventually calm down. They can't do it on their own. When we fly off the handle, it makes them more upset and adds to their feeling scared, ashamed, and bad about themselves.” Try to come up with a way to talk yourself down when you feel yourself starting to lose control. Klein suggests saying something to yourself like: “She won't tantrum forever” or “He's just so little.”

Logically, adults know this. It's so difficult not to lose it after watching them writhe on the floor inconsolably over a piece of bread that still has the crust on it. That's what makes this one a mantra I have to tell myself many times while my son tantrums.

2.  Take it personally. Contrary to what it seems, your toddler isn't acting out to hurt you. “It's important to take a step back, exhale, and remember that this person screaming and flailing is actually a very little person, still trying to figure out life, and who lacks the ability to control their emotions at these moments,” says Klein. “It's not about us. It's about the child who is feeling beyond upset and does not know how to handle it. When parents take it personally, it tends to upset them more and make the situation worse for the child.”

Sometimes, it can be hard not to take it personally. Especially when they often lash out at you in anger. In my son's mind, I'm being mean by not letting him run across the parking lot. In his mind, it has nothing to do with keeping him safe. But it still stings when he says “You so mean Mommy!”

3.  Walk away. “[This] can be the most terrifying action to a child,” notes Klein. “If you say to a hysterical child that you are leaving them, they will panic. The message is that they are unloved when they are feeling terrible. These are feelings of being abandoned just when they need to know a parent will love them, no matter what.” When a child is upset, he is most in need of the parent, as being so upset actually scares the child, who is already in a heightened emotional state and needs to be assured he is not alone. Note: If you're extremely upset, you may need a break, too. Klein suggests turning around, closing your eyes, taking a deep breath, and reminding yourself that this is a very little person who will not always be this way. Do what it takes to re-ground yourself and be there for your child.

So many people and books tell us the opposite. I've heard “Walk away. He'll eventually get up and come find you.” In desperation, I've tried it. He doesn't get up and come find me. In fact, walking away seems to make it much worse. It's usually most helpful when I stay nearby, not touching him, and not giving the behavior too much attention.

We hear a lot more about what we should do to handle tantrums that what we should NOT do, but this was a list I needed to read. It's a list I might print out and hang up somewhere to remember in those chaotic tantrum-filled moments.

What's your best advice about handling tantrums?