Married to a Narcissist?

1. Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance.  He sends you flowers at work for the sole purpose of winning the praise and adulation of your co-workers.  This is not to say every woman who gets flowers is dating or married to a narcissist.  Typically, the narcissist will send you flowers that he perceives as the “best” or the “prettiest”, not flowers that you particularly like.  You’ve told him repeatedly that your favorite flowers are Gerbera daisies and you are allergic to Stargazer lilies. Guess which ones are continually delivered to your workplace?

2. Requires Excessive Admiration.  See above.  He constantly wants to know how he appears physically, or how intelligent he is.  If he is dieting, he chastises you for not noticing the two pounds he lost this week.  He may even weigh himself every day, making sure that you are in the room at the time, so you can bear witness to his successful weight loss.  

3. Unrealistic Belief of Uniqueness.  Everyone likes to know there is no one in the world exactly like them, that they are unique in some fashion.  But the narcissist takes it to the extreme.  He is an expert on all things and will go out of his way to prove to you that your opinion is incorrect. Never mind that you graduated law school; he proceeds to give you a 3-hour dissertation on state traffic laws in contradiction to what you learned.  By the time he’s done, you are 100% in agreement just to get him to shut-the-hell-up……er, end the argument.  

4. Arrogant.  That superiority bleeds over into other relationships, mainly with your family and your friends.  It could be he has family and is close to them, but he cannot form other relationships and literally has no friends.  This feeds into the arrogance and the superiority – those people are simply not good enough for him.  Your parents are trying to break the two of you up, your children are taking much too much of your time.  

5. Simple Arguments Snowball.  It may be over something minor, like not bringing the mail in.  Suddenly, you are hiding mail from him, or lost an important letter he was expecting, when neither are the case by any stretch of the imagination.  This escalates into an hours-long argument about your duty to bring the mail in so he can see what was delivered that day.  

6. Your Needs Are Secondary.  Your needs are not being met, but that doesn’t matter to him.  You could have had major surgery requiring in-home care nurses, still he can’t understand why you haven’t had sex in a week or his meal is not on the table when he comes home.  Or he may take care of every minute detail while you’re convalescing just so he can brag to everyone how he is taking great care of you. 

Unfortunately, all of this wrapped up in one person can be hazardous to your health.  And detrimental to your mental state over time.  Once he sweeps you off your feet and convinces you that “he is the one”, it is very difficult to get away from him.  Narcissists are notorious for mental, emotional and psychological abuse and the aftereffects can linger for long periods of time. Take care to take care of you and your children first, and while this is easier said than done, once you’re away from this situation, you’ll be better off.    

Written by: Allyson Johns