I Test-Drove A Pair Of Spanx And I Liked It

I am being dragged, kicking and screaming, into middle age.  God, I even hate the sound of that.  I am not old, not by any stretch of the imagination.  Ask my friends.  Go on, I’ll wait.   I swore when Spanx first came out, I wouldn’t be caught dead in a pair.   Well, I’m not dead, but I am wearing them.  Hey, shoot me, they were on sale at $12.99.  Marked down from their ridiculous original price of $50.00, I was getting such a bargain.   Plus, they have a funky leopard spot pattern vibe going on.

When I took them out of the packaging, I scoffed.  There was no way these would go on my body, let alone fit. These wouldn’t fit a 5-year old!  I buried them in a drawer and honestly, I forgot they existed.  This morning, while frantically searching for my leggings, I remembered the evil Spanx and thought “What the hell”.

Oh. My. God. I love them.  I want to never take them off.  I want to sleep in them.  I want to marry them and never, ever be parted from them.  You’ll have to pry my cold, dead fingers from them.  That bitch, Sara Blakely, really knew what she was doing 15 years ago.  I want to kiss her for her genius.  Like open-mouth kiss her for the following 7 reasons:

1. Comfy.  Not sure what the fabric is, but I’m sure they were knitted by butterflies or unicorns with gossamer.  Or sewn by angels, with thread spun by fairies.

2. Long.  Despite their teensy appearance, they actually fit my 5’9” frame.  Unbelievable!  Must be due to the stretchiness of unicorn fabric.

3. Not binding.  When you hear the word “shapewear”, it can send terror into even the most stalwart hearts.  Even with all of the bad press, the Spanx leggings didn’t cut off circulation to any vital organs or my extremities.  Haters gotta hate.  See first point above.

4. Cute.  They look just like a regular pair of leggings.  Only cuter.  And more comfortable.  And long.  And not binding.  Did I mention the funky leopard pattern they have going on?

5. Flattering.  They hold everything in, right where it’s supposed to be.  No unsightly bulging.  No camel toe.  Gravity defying.

6. Fit.  Yes, the length is great, but I mean that they are the correct size.  As in I didn’t buy a smaller size, hoping it would slim me more.  See first point above.

7. Price.  Okay, so not everyone will be able to pick them up for $12.

You may be pleasantly surprised.  I am a non-attorney, non-spokesperson who was not paid for her endorsement, so you can believe my testimonial.

 Written by: Allyson Johns