Don’t Tell Your Kids These 5 Things

The experts are weighing in at Woman's Day. Obviously we would never blame our kids for something awful like divorce or tell them we wish they didn't exist. We can all agree that's horrible and we wouldn't do it. But, if you've said any of the things on the list below, you might be hurting your kids more than you know.

It may surprise you to discover that some seemingly harmless phrases can trigger resentment, dent self-esteem or bring up other less-than-desirable sentiments in your kids. Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time…,notes, “We have the best of intentions, but often we say things to our kids without thought to how it's being perceived by the child.”

1. “I know you can try harder.”
While you (hopefully!) aren't saying such obviously hurtful things as “You are so lazy!”, any comment that makes it seem as though you're not satisfied with her efforts can not only be discouraging to your child, it can also do the opposite of motivating her to try harder, says McCready. If your “try harder” has to do with tasks or chores, be clear about what you expect: “When you have your room cleaned up, then you can go out and play.” If you're talking about academics, “take note of times she does go the extra mile,” such as: “Wow! That extra time spent on your book report really shows!”

2. “Are you sure you need that second cupcake?”
Yikes. You have good intentions—keeping your child fit and healthy—but you're better off steering clear of any talk that might foster a negative body image, says McCready. If you're worried about what your child eats at home, use actions, not words, such as stocking your kitchen with healthy foods rather than junk and emphasizing family physical activity like after-dinner walks. That way, if there are cupcakes at a party, your child's fine to indulge. And walk the walk yourself; you mix your message if you tell your kid to keep his hands out of the cookie jar while you're inhaling potato chips.

3. “Why can't you be more like your sister/brother?”
Siblings and rivalry go hand in hand—and anything you say that sets up comparisons only fuels that natural flame, says McCready. If you're saying, for example, “Your brother is practicing piano and he sounds great—why can't you do that?” you're essentially telling your child that piano is his brother's thing, and he's not measuring up. “Comparisons slot siblings into categories—the smart one, the athlete—and discourage kids from trying the thing their sibling is ‘good' at.” Try instead to encourage each child in whatever pursuits are “his” or “hers,” while avoiding comparisons.

4. “Because I said so!”
“Because I said so,” puts all the control in your hands, and dismisses your child's growing sense of autonomy and ability to figure things out, says Dr. Berman. “Because I said so” also leaves out a potential teaching moment. Let's say your kids don't want to visit their aging great-aunt on a sunny day when they'd rather ride their bikes. “Because I said so” only makes them feel less in control of what they are able to do. Instead, try, “I know you'd rather ride your bike, but Aunt Clara really loves seeing you, and we try our best to honor our family.” That way, even if they continue to grumble, they know their feelings matter.

5. “That's not how you do it! Here, let me.”
Sure, you want the help—but then she kind of does a not-so-great job. Depending on how much of a perfectionist you are, it can be tough to hold yourself back from just jumping in and taking the task back, “But that's a mistake, because then she never learns how, and is less likely to try anything else you ask down the line,” says Dr. Berman. You can step in but in a collaborative rather than dismissive way: “Here, let me show you a neat trick my mom taught me about folding towels!”

I'm definitely guilty of that last one! I'm such a perfectionist and it's hard for me not to step in and re-do work behind the kids or get frustrated when they don't match up to my standards. I love the trick from Dr. Berman about acting like it's a secret trick you're showing them. I love the way it makes the situation into team work instead of mom against kid.

Check out 5 more phrases you should never say to your kids at Woman's Day.