6 Things You Definitely Want To Say To Your Gynecologist

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How many of these have crossed your mind? Be honest.

1. Can we skip the weigh in? I’m bloated twenty days out of every month. I don’t need three glaring numbers reminding me to skip Burger King on the way home. Can we do a visual estimation and call it good? She looks larger than last time but is not quite ready for a Richard Simmons intervention works for me.

2. Where’s the panty coat rack? Just once, I’d love to enter an examination room and see a place to store/hang my coat (and other clothing) while being poked and prodded examined. I’m tired of hiding my panties under my jeans that are rolled into a wad and stuck on a chair that thirty other naked women have already sat in that day.

3. The last day of my last period? You’re so funny! I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast. The date of my last period? Approximately one month so you better hurry up and get this examination done days ago.

4. Can we kill the fluorescent lights? Know what destroys a girl’s self-esteem faster than JLo walking into a room? Fluorescent mothereffing lighting. There’s a miner’s spotlight on your forehead. Is more necessary?

5. Do you have something a little bigger than a tissue paper doily that I can cover with? I’m not two. I weigh more than 50 pounds. And I’m definitely taller than three feet six inches. I require an actual full-size blanket or throw and preferably one not made from gift bag filling. Could I borrow that fabric room divider?

6. If I could SEE the straps, I’d definitely put my ankles in there. You’re lying on your back (without pillows) trying to focus on anything but what’s happening down south when dear ole’ doc says, “Could you put your ankles in the stirrups?” Seriously, dude? I just got comfortable, found an interesting piece of torn ceiling plaster to focus on (it’s shaped like Florida), and you’re asking me to find the straps? Pamper a girl. Put her ankles in there for her. It will feel like a day at the spa.

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