3 Things You Should NEVER Say To Your Kids

I found myself resisting the urge to say “please stop crying!” and “you're making me crazy!” on a daily basis. What was on your list? What about “because I said so”? That's a big one. I've managed not to say it yet, but he's nearing three and we're entering the why? stage so I might be instituting the dreaded “Because I said so!” soon.

Thankfully, Parenting has put together a helpful list of the things you really should never say to your kids. Now I'm all clear on what to avoid.

“Leave Me Alone!”

A parent who doesn't crave an occasional break is a saint, a martyr or someone who's so overdue for some time alone she's forgotten the benefits of recharging. Trouble is, when you routinely tell your kids, “Don't bother me” or “I'm busy,” they internalize that message, says Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D., founder of the Ozark Center for Language Studies, in Huntsville, Arkansas. “They begin to think there's no point in talking to you because you're always brushing them off.” If you set up that pattern when your children are small, then they may be less likely to tell you things as they get older.

From infancy, kids should get in the habit of seeing their parents take time for themselves. Use pressure-release valves—whether signing up with a babysitting co-op, trading off childcare with your partner or a friend or even parking your child in front of a video so that you can have half an hour to relax and regroup.

At those times when you're preoccupied (or overstressed, as I was when I exploded at my girls), set up some parameters in advance. I might have said, “Mom has to finish this one thing, so I need you to paint quietly for a few minutes. When I'm done, we'll go outside.”

Just be realistic. A toddler and a preschooler aren't likely to amuse themselves for a whole hour.

I've definitely wanted to say it. Especially when I'm trying to get some peace in the bathroom. Why is it so hard for moms to go to the bathroom alone? I've thought it… but I haven't said it.

“Don't Cry.”

Variations: “Don't be sad.” “Don't be a baby.” “Now, now—there's no reason to be afraid.” But kids do get upset enough to cry, especially toddlers, who can't always articulate their feelings with words. They do get sad. They do get frightened. “It's natural to want to protect a child from such feelings,” says Debbie Glasser, Ph.D., director of Family Support Services at the Mailman Segal Institute for Early Childhood Studies at Nova Southeastern University, in Fort Lauderdale. “But saying ‘Don't be' doesn't make a child feel better, and it also can send the message that his emotions aren't valid—that it's not okay to be sad or scared.”

Rather than deny that your child feels a particular way—when he obviously does—acknowledge the emotion up front. “It must make you really sad when Jason says he doesn't want to be your friend anymore.” “Yes, the waves sure can be scary when you're not used to them. But we'll just stand here together and let them tickle our feet. I promise I won't let go of your hand.”

By naming the real feelings that your child has, you'll give him the words to express himself—and you'll show him what it means to be empathetic. Ultimately, he'll cry less and describe his emotions instead.

If “Please don't cry.” counts then I've already screwed up this one. I guess I'll just have to resolve to do better in the future.

“Why Can't You Be More Like Your Sister?”

It might seem helpful to hold out a sibling or friend as a shining example. “Look how well Sam zips his coat,” you might say. Or “Jenna's using the potty already, so why can't you do that too?” But comparisons almost always backfire. Your child is herself, not Sam or Jenna.

It's natural for parents to compare their kids, to look for a frame of reference about their milestones or their behavior, say experts.

But don't let your child hear you doing it. Kids develop at their own pace and have their own temperament and personality. Comparing your child to someone else implies that you wish yours were different.

Nor does making comparisons help change behavior. Being pressured to do something she's not ready for (or doesn't like to do) can be confusing to a little kid and can undermine her self-confidence. She's also likely to resent you and resolve not to do what you want, in a test of wills.

Instead, encourage her current achievements: “Wow, you put both arms in your coat all by yourself!” Or “Thanks for telling me your diaper needs changing.”

Ouch. I'm definitely adding that one to my list of things never to say. A lifetime of comparison between myself and my close-in-age sister has definitely alerted me to the dangers of phrases like this.

I'll admit, some of the things on the list are pretty common phrases for me. For instance, I'm always telling my son to hurry up. It's not nice, but sometimes he just needs a little extra reminder or we will miss whatever fun thing he wanted to do and he will cry about it for hours. Toddlers are like that.

Check out the rest of Parenting's list of things you should never say and tell me what's on your own list in the comment section.