2 Phrases That Don’t Mean The Same Thing After Kids

How many of these have you experienced?

The last time I said, “Let’s do it” to my husband, we were both standing over a mound of fresh dung that had been excreted on the carpet by my 2-year-old. We were in the middle of potty training, and it was very clear that he was against pooping in the toilet. He didn’t want any part of it. So there we stood, yellow dish gloves protecting our hands and a bottle of Resolve Stain Remover in my husband’s grasp, ready for its one job.

Since we’ve had kids, we have caught ourselves saying phrases that we have always said, but realized that they have taken on new meanings. Here are the top six phrases that may change for you after reproducing human life:

 1. Let’s Do It 

Before you had kids, you would say this to your significant other in a sexy tone, with a seductive look in your eye and maybe even a vulgar hip thrust (if you’re that guy, like my husband). Once you reproduce, you will still say it, but what you will mean is that there are actual chores that need to be accomplished and fornication is absolutely not one of them. The kitchen looks like a bomb was detonated in it, the laundry room can’t be seen because it’s hidden underneath mounds of soiled underpants, and your living room looks like Toys “R” Us just dumped a freight truck of their newest merchandise in it.

Keep your clothes on, quit hip-thrusting at me and throw on some rubber gloves. Let’s get busy. Let’s do it. There’s important shit to be done.

 2. I’m Tired

Before you had kids, you may have thought you were tired. You weren’t tired, you fool. You don’t even know what tired means until you have children dominating your life and sucking the energy out of your soul. Before, when you said you were “headed to bed” to the person you love, it meant that you were going to lie awake in the bed, probably scroll through social media sites and maybe get frisky if someone tried hard enough. But now, as parents, “I’m tired” means that you are going to bed. You’re going to close your eyes and sleep. You are actually tired and there is no point in trying to engage in sexual activity or you will lose an appendage. Arm, leg, genitalia—I don’t know, but something is definitely getting cut off if you touch me inappropriately.

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