19 Mommy Wins You Should Be Proud Of

Have you ever (incorrectly) thought your job as a parent was done?

1. I gave birth successfully. Hooray!

2. I didn’t drop the baby after it came out, despite it being covered in all kinds of uterus goo.

3. The baby latched on! I repeat: THE BABY LATCHED ON.

4. Mastitis. My job as a parent may be done, because clearly I will die from this.

5. (Thank you, antibiotics, for getting me through The Great Mastitis Bout of ’09.)

6. No babies were harmed in the falling off of the umbilical stump. Yesssssss!

7. The baby smiled. We’re all good here, right?

8. The baby pooped. It was a close call, but after nearly a week, no awkward probes necessary. Who said parenting is hard?

9. The baby slept through the night. Praise whoever!

10. The baby took a bite of solid food (if rice cereal is what we’re calling food these days) and didn’t choke.

11. The baby sat up. Ladies and gentleman, we have a sitter!

12. The baby spoke. Well, the baby accidentally said “Da,” but clearly Harvard will be sending a recruiter any day now, right?

13. First steps alert! First steps alert! (Remind me why that’s a good milestone, btw?)

14. The baby ate dirt and lived to tell about it. Or rather, I didn’t need to explain to a doctor how the baby came to eat dirt because the baby lived to tell about it so we didn’t need to go to a doctor.

15. The baby stopped nursing. Halle-freakin-lujah. My work here is definitely done now, right? Right?

16. The toddler seemed to finally understand that biting is not OK. We now have a reformed biter, people, which is obviously preferable to having an active biter.

17. I can leave the toddler with the babysitter for three hours without major psychological trauma (for me or the toddler). Hello, me time. Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?

18. No more jarred food. No more jarred food. No more jarred food. And those little pouches of puréed food — no more of those. Hello, solid foods.

19. We have achieved potty training. I repeat: WE HAVE ACHIEVED POTTY TRAINING. It’s all downhill from here, right?

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