What I Really Want For Valentine’s Day This Year

Dear Husband,

Romance doesn’t mean the same thing after you’re married with kids.  Candle lit dinners, expensive wine, and fancy chocolates don’t make the list anymore.  On Valentine’s Day, I’m just hoping for a hot shower that lasts longer than 3 minutes and going to a restaurant where the menus don’t come with crayons.

I know I’m supposed to want dinner at an exclusive French restaurant or that fancy Italian place with the baby grand and the dance floor (like I have anything to wear to a place like that!).

I’m supposed to want a dozen red roses (but flowers make me sneeze).  

I’m supposed to want fine wine like that amazing Italian white wine we got once on our anniversary (If I drink, I’ll be too afraid to breastfeed the baby).

I’m supposed to want expensive chocolate (Okay, maybe I do want the chocolate).

What I actually want this year might surprise you:

Sex.  My way.

That means I want it with the kids out of the house, not just asleep.  That way I don’t have to panic every time I hear a noise.  I’m tired of having a small panic attack every time a floor board creaks because it might mean there’s a toddler standing outside our door.

I want the lights out.  I don’t want any of that crap about how “You’re so sexy. I just want to see you.”

It’s sweet and I know you think I’m beautiful no matter what but… I DON’T WANT TO SEE ME.

When the lights are on, I start noticing all the cellulite on my thighs and the stretch marks on my skin.  Then I just feel gross, not sexy. Just this once. Lights off!

Oh, and I don’t want to have to wear any of that stupid lacy lingerie. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable that stuff is? It clings to me like static electricity and it’s itchy. Itchy isn’t sexy. 

Also, I want some foreplay. It’s a holiday so I expect it. Lots of it.

I know it’s not what women are supposed to want for Valentine’s Day. I know that a Hallmark card and a dozen roses are probably easier to procure than a few hours of uninterrupted alone time.

But this Valentine’s Day… I just want the sex. I just want you. 

Love, 

Your Wife

Written by: Sara Parise