Stuff You Can’t Do When You’re Pregnant

It's like craving Chick-fil-a on a Sunday. We want it because we know it's the only time we can't have it.  That's the way it is when you're pregnant. I've never wanted sushi more than when I was pregnant with my son. I polished off two shrimp rolls after he was born. Yum!

It's not just the stuff you can't eat, it's all the stuff you can't do or wish you could still do, but don't feel like anymore. It's the stuff you can't wear. It's the places you “shouldn't” go. It will make you crazy. It's making me crazy.

Scary Mommy knows just how we feel. That's why they've put together a list of things you just can't do when you're pregnant. It's totally accurate. Check out some of the “things” that you're gonna wanna do but can't now that you're expecting:

1. Sleep comfortably. I’m a stomach sleeper. But between my growing bump and burgeoning lady humps, my usual sleeping position is now out of the question, and I am also constantly waking up to pee. So for the next few months it’s left-side attempts at catching some Z’s, with a pillow between my legs, and constantly swatting at my husband’s attempts to get within two feet of me.

At a certain point, I push my husband into the guest room and make a pillow cocoon for myself.

2. Take a decent picture. You will look strange at every angle. Hand on hip? Nope, that doesn’t work. Sideways? No good. Front angle? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TURN BACK SIDEWAYS. Before getting pregnant I’d always see women in the same stance (sideways, one hand on top of belly and one hand below), and think, why do they all stand like that? And now I get it. Two reasons: 1) to lovingly cradle the life inside of you, and 2) because it’s the only position that doesn’t make you look like a different version of yourself. And by “different,” I mean like Charlize Theron looked “different” in Monster.

What's with all these maternity photo shoots? I'm so jealous of the women that feel beautiful pregnant. I feel pretty good about my body the rest of the time, but when I'm pregnant I don't even wanna look in the mirror. Sometimes, I get dressed up in a cute maternity dress and dare to take a picture. I always end up regretting it when I see how chubby I look.

3. Purchase a normal-sized bra. Here’s a marketing challenge for Victoria’s Secret: Develop a bra for pregnant women. Preferably for a pair of knockers suffering from a possible identity crisis, with multiple settings for adjustment based on whatever mood they are in that day. Currently, the mood of my boobs is “pending explosion.” As in, one wrong move, and – POOF! – nipple shrapnel everywhere.

I miss my bras. I'm tired of searching high and low for a comfortable supportive bra only to outgrow it next month and start the search all over again. Make up your mind boobs!

4. Drink. A cruel, cruel trick played on a woman when she could likely use a drink the most. My father, born and raised in Italy, encouraged me to enjoy half a glass of wine with dinner on a special occasion. (As he said to me, “Alessandra, do you think in Italy they stop drinking wine in moderation when they’re pregnant?”) I took his advice when we went out for my husband’s birthday dinner. I’ve never felt more awkward, or received a more confused look, than when I ordered a glass of Merlot and then asked the waiter if the cheese was pasteurized. “Because I’m pregnant.”

The worst part about not being able to drink is that the hormones are going to make you want to down a bottle of wine on a weekly basis.

Read the rest of the list at Scary Mommy and then tell us what you would add in the comments.