Parenting: Should You Treat Autistic Kids Differently?

Heather Zink from The Mighty shares some of her experiences and some of the things she does differently because her son is on the Autism spectrum.

The neat thing about this glimpse into Heather's life and parenting strategies is that if we really think about it, adopting some of these parenting methods would probably benefit all kids… not just the kids on the Autism spectrum.

Here are some of my favorites:

1. I discipline differently than some other parents.

Early on, I learned the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. A tantrum happens when a child decides to throw a fit to get his way. You can spot a tantrum because a child is watching for your reaction and is in control of the tantrum. The child can stop a tantrum at any time. A meltdown occurs when a child becomes overwhelmed by sensory input or emotionally dysregulated. A meltdown is much more emotionally intense than a tantrum, and once a child reaches a full-fledged meltdown, they’re no longer in control.

The meltdown is just as scary or more for the child than it is for those watching it happen. So, yes, my husband and I have rules and consequences for my son, and we try to be very clear about our expectations. Our son’s behavior is almost never a result of defiance but rather presents itself as an emotional outburst (often tears) as a result of frustration sensory overload or an unexpected change in routine. Therefore, while we give consequences, we are very gentle with him and try to give him tools to handle his big emotions. When his emotions ramp up, then I have to make myself very calm.  Which leads me to…

Today, my son had a meltdown in the car. I'm not going to try to compare that to a meltdown experienced by a child with Autism at all. However, I will say that when I stopped being frustrated and calmed myself down, it finally became possible for me to think clearly and calm my son. SO maybe we could all take a page from this mom's book?

2. We live our life by rituals and routines.

Every parent knows the importance of having consistency and routine in their child’s life, but for Ben, this predictability is his rock in what can be a chaotic and confusing world. I’m reminded of this any time I deviate even slightly from our rituals. Bedtime is a great example. I’ve never taught him to do this, but I swear my kid can tell time. If I try to start the routine a few minutes before the regular time, he’ll point to the clock and protest, “It’s too early!” After brushing his teeth, books and a story of what’s happening tomorrow (our social story that prepares him for the events of the next day) and prayers, I say the same phrase: “Mommy will be on Mommy’s bed.  Ben will be on Ben’s bed. Have a good night sleep and I’ll see you in the morning.” There’s almost something sacred about our ritual. He needs it to feel centered and secure.

Thank goodness my kiddos can “roll with the punches” most of the time. That said, they really do benefit from routines. I think a lot of kids are helped by these sorts of things, even if it's not 100% necessary like it would be with a child on the Autism spectrum.

3. I celebrate the little things and find joy in ordinary moments.

Most parents take for granted that their child will walk, talk, wave “bye bye,” say “I love you,” ride a bike… For some parents, each of these milestones is a long time coming, if ever. So I try to never, ever take for granted the progress Ben makes. Like the first time he had a real conversation with another person. Or the time he started a game of hide-and-seek with some kids at the playground. Or the moment when he snuggled up to me in the chair and leaned over to kiss me on the cheek. These moments take my breath away.

Now that's a lesson for everyone! It's heartbreaking to think about the possibility that we might not get to see or our children might not be able to do all the little dreams we have for them. It's a reality for so many parents though.

Wouldn't it be great if we could let go of the stress of trying to push forward all the time and just celebrate where we are right now? The ordinary moments are so very special and one day they'll all be memories. Let's enjoy them while we can!

To learn more from Heather Zink about the ways parenting is different when your child is on the Autism Spectrum, check out the full article from The Mighty.