Mommy Needs Her Own Time Too

Do you get “mommy time?”

I went 20-some years not knowing a fundamental truth about myself: I have boundary issues.

Like many people (women especially, it seems), I had a hard time knowing where my responsibilities ended and another person’s began; I immediately resorted to “helper” mode, wanting to take care of everyone in my life. I didn’t know how to not absorb other people’s emotions, how to not take responsibility for other people’s feelings.

I didn’t know how to say “no” when I really wanted to.

In so many ways, I had a hard time even knowing how I felt or what I wanted without gauging another person’s opinion. I especially had a hard time making my needs and wants a priority.

Boundaries: a fundamental foundation for being a healthy person.

But in the context of motherhood, those boundaries seemed to blur and fade. If I had a hard time taking care of myself before, just add the title of “mother.” Phew. Even for those with a healthy sense of boundaries and self-care, it’s hard to shake the hardwired guilt and uneasiness in taking care of ourselves, as individuals, apart from being mothers. Our bodies, our minds, our creative passions. Aren’t we supposed to take care of everyone around us? Isn’t that our job now?

On author Elizabeth Gillbert’s new podcast “Magic Lessons,” she spoke with a stay-at-home mom and writer, Erin Rawlings, who struggles with guilt for having a passion other than her children. She’s scared her passion will take focus away from her kids, and those fears protrude into mental roadblocks, keeping her from the work she deeply wants to do.

“I want to talk about the guilt,” Gillbert responded to Rawlings. “I feel like mothers are the members of society who need to be given the most permission to be able to do the things that ignite their own souls. Because there’s some deep, deep sense in the world that once you are a mother, your lives belong exclusively, entirely and only to your children.”

Gillbert goes on to credit her mother, who modeled creativity throughout Gillbert’s childhood, as the sole reason she’s a creative person. (“If you model martyrdom to them, they will grow up to be martyrs. If you model creativity to them, they will grow up to be creators. It’s a public service for you to honor your creativity,” she said.)

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