Labor And Delivery Is Full Of Unwanted Surprises

Most of us already get it. We've been there and done that, but that still doesn't make this list any less hilarious.

1. Your water doesn't break in a ceremonious splatter at your feet. Unlike in every movie ever, when a real woman's water breaks, it usually doesn't look like a water balloon shattering on concrete. More likely, it's going to be a slower, more gradual flow akin to uncontrollably peeing yourself. We've all done that, right?

2. Your water might not break just once. Said “water” — actually, amniotic fluid that forms a protective sac around your baby — can keep trickling all day, necessitating a fat maxi pad, which feels very Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. This is the first time birth will lead you back to maxi pads. But it ain't the last.

3. If your water doesn't break on its own, a doctor breaks it for you. With a super-long hook-like thingy, I am told. Supposedly it doesn't hurt per se, but just feels “uncomfortable.”

4. Just because your water breaks doesn't mean you have to race to the hospital and behave like Hugh Grant in Nine Months. Your water may break but it could still be hours (or even a full day) before contractions start and your cervix begins dilating to make way for le bebe. My water broke in the morning; my husband and I (quite randomly) watched Cops for hours in peace afterward.

Just like this mom tells it, it's nothing like in the movies. I was one of the privileged ones. My water never broke. I actually ended up being induced, so I can confirm #3 for you. It doesn't hurt per se, but it's definitely one of the strangest sensations that I've ever experienced.

Either way, this list is a great read. To see the rest of it, head over the Cosmopolitan and check it out. Don't forget to leave a comment and share what no one told you about giving birth.