8 Things Your Baby Doesn’t Believe Are True

How many of these have you experienced?

1. If I knew just what you wanted, I would make sure you got it a whole lot faster. Mom’s not doing too bad of a job meeting your demands, considering all she can do is make semi-educated guesses on roughly a quarter of a brain and 45-minute fragments of sleep.

2. 3 a.m. is not a good time to be practicing karate moves on the crib slats.

3. No matter how mad my face looks or my voice sounds, I still love you.

4. I’m not leaving you to starve if I get up in the middle of your dinner. I just really need to poop. And if I wait any longer, I will need a diaper too. I will be back. I promise.

5. Enjoy being completely free of responsibility, because the minute I discover that you know how to fold your pants, you will miss your carefree life.

6. It’s not your fault that your only means of communication is yelling. But would it kill you to try something else? Like gentle cooing? Or playing a tiny harp?

7. I’m more than a little terrified when I see you repeatedly staring at the same spot in the corner and laughing. Do I need to call an exorcist? What do you see?!

8. Nothing makes me melt quite like the sound of your laugh. That’s why I always act like a drunken, idiotic lunatic around you. If it makes you laugh, I will do the chicken dance in my underwear with absolutely no shame.

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