5 Ways To Handle Messy Parenting Moments In Public

The Aha! Parenting Blog by Dr. Laura Markham is a favorite of mine. She has some great advice for parenting kids of all ages and staying sane while you do it.

Most of the time I think I've got this parenting thing figured out. Like today, I felt like a rock star when my potty training toddler kept dry pants at the fountain park and raced to the potty at the library all on his own. Winning! But then there are always the moments… the messy moments… like when he wanted to flush the potty in the library 500 times because it made a WOOSH!!! noise. That was a messy moment. I can't even think about all the germs, yuk!

It's in these messy moments that sometimes I resort to parenting methods I'm not so proud of like bribery or “the look.” It's like I have to validate my parenting under the watchful gaze of the judging public. It's a lot of pressure and it usually results in making me and my toddler miserable. It's just not worth it.

Dr. Markham's list of public parenting tips can help me (and you) avoid making that mistake and the guilt that comes afterwards. Here's what she suggests:

1. Stay present to your child.
Often when children “act out” in public or when they're visiting relatives, it's because they feel our attention is elsewhere. That makes them a bit insecure, so they act out to get the reassurance that we're still attending to them. For instance, if you expect to spend an airplane flight relaxing, you can count on your child needing to interact with you fairly constantly. The more we can stay connected with a child, the less he will act out, always.

2. Find a way to involve your child.
It's simply not developmentally reasonable for a young child to watch quietly while you're in the hardware store. His job description is to learn about the world through hands-on exploration. So let him touch when you can, and ask him questions:

“Look at all the different sizes of screws…This is such a tiny screw….what could it be used for?”
Let him help you find and test the screw driver you need, and pay the cashier. This will always take more time than if you just pull him along, but you'll finish the errand with a happier–and more intellectually curious–child.

It's so easy for me to get focused on what I'm doing or need to get done and forget to give my child a task. Sometimes something as simple as getting to put items in the buggy or help my find the apples in the produce section can get us through the grocery store without a fuss. It's so simple, but I often forget… then I get a meltdown.

3. When your child gets restless, don't ignore it.
Most of us get more anxious, and try to move faster. We say “We're almost done shopping…be patient for a few more minutes.” But a young child simply can't do that. He needs your help to get back in balance, so he doesn't fall apart. Start by slowing down and taking a deep breath. Then, take a minute to reconnect with him–hug, make eye contact, sing to him softly, or twirl him around. That might be enough to shift your child's mood and give you time to complete your errand–with both of you in a good mood!

Don't ignore it? I thought that ignoring it would keep him from getting attention for his behavior and he'd just move on. After reading the article, I can tell I'm going to have to stop doing that. It wasn't working anyway. Instead, he just gets louder and more exaggerated. That usually draws unwanted attention and the situation escalates. I think I'm going to try giving him some undivided attention for a few minutes in the beginning before the meltdown.

4. Move your child to a more private place.
If your child has a meltdown, it's impossible to attend to him and also finish your shopping. Just scoop him up and remove him from the situation. Maybe you can go to your car, or to an out of the way spot at the mall where you won't be disturbing other people. Just as important, you won't be tempted to parent as onlookers think you should, so you can follow your own parenting instincts.

As always, empathize with how upset he is:

“You want to run around the aisles, but I need you to stay in the cart. It's hard to stay in the cart.”
Feeling understood usually calms kids. When he's done crying, hold him and comfort him. If he's still awake, decide if the two of you are up for another try, and if so, how it can work for both of you.

“Maybe for the last bit of shopping, you can walk next to me and help me find things, and then sit in the cart again at the checkout?”

5. Keep calming yourself.
Children can be expected to exhibit childish behavior. There's no shame in your child's needs clashing with the household need to get food in the house. The only possible embarrassment here is in responding to that clash by becoming a parent you don't want to be. So when you feel that happening, stop, take a deep breath, and shift gears. Use a mantra, like

“This isn't an emergency….She's acting like a child because she is a child… She just needs a good cry.”

This last one is really hard for me. Since the day he was born, I've felt my blood pressure escalate whenever he starts to get upset. My instinct is to calm him and stop the crying instantly. The thing is, when I'm tense, I can't do a very good job of calming him down. He senses my stress level and just gets more upset. If I remain calm, things tend to do a lot better. I know that, but it's still so hard to do!

Dr. Markham has 9 more excellent tips for public parenting in her article at Aha! Parenting Blog. Check them out to learn more strategies you can use to tackle those messy public parenting moments without guilt and stress.